not the worst of it
by Kostucha
Summary: Tsukishima reacts to Koito's death. A what-if scenario written around the time of publication of chapter 198 and canon compliant until that point.


By the time he catches up to the group, everyone's already in upheaval.

Between Asirpa's haunted looks, Sugimoto's fervorous muttering, and Private Tanigaki's disjointed explanations, he's trying to grasp the entirety of the situation. Ogata's escaped. But that's not the worst of it.

That's not the worst of it.

The revelation doesn't quite sink in until Tanigaki hurriedly leads him inside the hospital and straight to the room, left in quite a disarray. Tsukishima finds his eyes inadvertently drawn to the pool of dark red blood staining the floor and-

Inhaling sharply he forces himself to close his eyes.

Anything to postpone having to confront the picture in front of him, confirming his worst fears.

He knew. Somehow he knew, he couldn't entrust this to- that everything's going to go downhill the moment he loses from his sight this ragtag team consisting of uncertain allegiances, conveniently heading off and leaving only him behind in Nivkh village. He's still surprised at how quickly it all unravels.

He's trying to imagine feverish Ogata - still coming down from his anesthesia, highly strung out on narcotic pain relievers no doubt - somehow getting better of and outwitting these experienced and trained adult men, making his grand escape through the harsh snowy terrain in unforgiving cold, soon to freeze to death if he hasn't already and for the first time in ever Tsukishima wonders whether he might be in fact dreaming.

Perhaps he's still stuck in trenches, bleeding out, living out his mind's last inexplicable delusions. Perhaps he's drawing his last breath in one of the numerous medical tents, in spite of medics' best efforts. That'd certainly explain the familiar unpleasant smells invading his nostrils.

Hesitant words coming from Tanigaki who's apparently still by his side almost startle him, bringing him back to present.

Whether Tanigaki's offering him words of sympathy or asking for further directions, it doesn't matter, he's only half-listening to what he has to say.

(is this what leading people truly is like? oh he doesn't envy it)

He knows he should get a move on and think of ramifications later but his body won't listen.

(were these two to seize this opportunity and make a run for it now, he wouldn't be able to stop them. still, if it comes to it, he figures sooner or later Asirpa's going to make her way back to them of her own volition, with or without Sugimoto's say so)

It occurs to him briefly, the unbidden thought at the back of his mind, he wouldn't be so helpless right now if he didn't throw himself bodily in front of that blast.

But who could have foreseen this? This mission should have been a confirmed success already, everyone heading safely back _home_ once Tsukishima recovered enough to be able to travel. Perhaps some of Koito's optimism has rubbed off him after all.

Look where that got them. The lifeless limp body, vacant stare, a face contracted in a seemingly angry grimace.

Tsukishima's finally looking at him, properly, truly sees him, and - much to his own trepidation - he feels nothing.

He's worn out and numb and unable to muster anything beyond that.

Just mere hours ago this homesick kid (he should have been considered a kid no longer and yet) was cheerfully reminiscing about his parent, looking forward to receiving the fatherly approval for a job well done.

(something Tsukishima himself did not understand but didn't begrudge him that, however immature Koito's motivations might have seemed sometimes. if anything, it was commendable in a way, that genuine desire for his father's attention, wanting to be recognized as his own person and not his brother's substitute, he supposed it was why he went along with his feigning of sea sickness)

But the next moment he was clumsily pushing food into Tsukishima's mouth - missing his mark - his eyes twinkling and cheeks blushing red from excitement; Tsukishima already forgotten, when young lad's mind was already too preoccupied with the prospect of reuniting with First Lieutenant and receiving his oh so highly sought out and earned praise.

Except it wasn't earned, now was it, not really - Tsukishima bitterly mused to himself. But it wasn't his place to correct him and disabusing him from these notions would be counterproductive.

There would be still time for Koito to shed this youthful ignorance, surely...

Except by the time he was his age, Tsukishima has already participated in the war. He's already tainted his fists with his bastard of a father's blood. He's already been thrown in the prison, resigned to his fate, having learned the harsh realities of life the hard way.

Just another unremarkable and insignificant footsoldier, dealt a poor lot in life. Yet deemed worth saving by First Lieutenant Tsurumi based on _his_ merit as a soldier and a person alone. Not his birthright, no bright future prospects, and no political nor tactical importance had any say in the matter.

Tsukishima feels like he himself has - at some point - bought into this notion everything would just line up for him neatly, allowing Koito to take all the credit, and if that wasn't enough to let him realize his true potential, he'd be granted another chance, and then another, and another, the world ever so accommodating to people like him. People meant for great things.

Now he's staring, almost transfixed, at all that squandered potential lying in a puddle of his own blood.

In spite of Tsukishima's best efforts to prevent just that.

He thinks back on this whole Karafuto expedition, on Second Lieutenant's over-reliance on him with just as troublesome refusal to follow his guidance during critical times, bringing discord in the group, putting his personal gratification over mission's objective, lack of forethought, utter inability to inspire deference in anyone.

He thinks back to the moment right after the explosion took place, Koito's retreating back, Tsukishima laying there gravely wounded, his screams falling on deaf ears.

_Tsukishima! Are you still alive?_

Tsukishima exhales, feeling something akin to relief. For the first time, he fully understands Rear Admiral Koito's callous insistence on having his son grow into his own or die trying. He hates this realization.

He doesn't ponder on what kind of commander would Koito Otonoshin make. He doesn't have to.

One life might have been lost today, but in exchange, many more deaths in the future due to leadership's ineptitude might have been averted.

He chooses to derive comfort from that.


End file.
